A patient asked me the other day how to speak to her boyfriend about her problem because she is really struggling with vaginal dryness and it is affecting their sex life in a very bad way. On top of, or I should say, as a part of IC, she is experiencing some very strong menospausal imblances that is compounding her symptoms. Her boyfriend has been upset by the disruption in their sex life and the challneges this has presented. I explained that all of this could be sorted out and that their sex life could be great again, but some time and effort needs to take place in order for the apporpriate changes to occur. She asked me how she should speak to him.

My first thought and comment to her was that in any partnership, there is a given two way give and take relationhip that is agreed to in silence. In life, there are no guarantees. And, there will be times when the one person is sick and in need and then it will be the other person's turn eventually. How we go through those experiences together truly will determine the avenues upon which the two people will travel.

Sexuality, as we have discussed on this board so many time, is such a deep and private thing. And, it is difficult in many ways without the added challenges of vaginal dryness, having to get up in the middle to urinate, inability to acheive an orgasm, pain during or after intercourse, or, even inability to achieve an erection!

So, the answer to the question, "what do I say to my partner?", is not an obvious one. Certainly, this is really upsetting and challenging for both people involved. But, I would encourage each of you to not only experience eachother in other romantic and sexual ways, other than the "main course" of intercourse, but to experience each other in a spiritual way--to help your partner recognize that this health challenge has been given to you for what ever reason in life, and it is yours to try to overcome, and, when two people can overcome something like this together, it truly bring them closer.

In my own relationship I have had this experience many times over, and, my husband and I both have traded places in this respect. And, in the end, we have become absolutely the best of freinds in addition to our romantic relationship. Perhaps without these challenges two people do not have that which pulls them more closely together, and the relationship might even be taken for granted. I know that in our case our spiritual selves have evolved many times over  BECAUSE of our struglles together. We have passed through each one, and remain TOGETHER.

Through these years, my husband always said: "sometimes I lead the way, and sometimes you lead the way, and sometimes, we walk side by side". This has continued to be the "mantra" of our relationship. Try to think about that, I think it is simple yet profound.

The story of another couple that have recently been faced with a much more unthinkable problem, the death of their child was told to me by a friend. The wife asked the husband, "how do we get through this?", and to that he replied, "if you breath in, I will breath out". I literally had tears in my eyes when I heard that. What a testament to being one, because although a partnership is made of two, it is an entity, a oneness.

So, however you need to find your words, find them, and remember......all things pass, it is how they pass that matters.

Dr. B